I had a realization recently that I am not the person my parents wanted me to be. I am not the person my sister thinks I should be. I am not the person my old friends remember me as.
I have grown, changed and lived in ways they never foresaw, ways they perhaps wish I hadn’t, ways they don’t even know about. But it doesn’t matter, because I am me. Today, here, now – this is it.
Some of my friends have been able to grow, change and adapt with me so that even though we are not the people we once were, we are still together in the midst of everything. There are people who I know, no matter what chaos has entered my life, I can reach out to and they will be there to hear me, whoever I am that day.
There are others for whom I have to don a mask, each and every time I see them because they refuse to move on. To them I am stuck, trapped in a former life, unable to move forward. I show them my husband, my children, my job – it’s all wrong they tell me. Not at all what they had planned. (Well, except for the kids, everyone loves my kids. But my parenting, don’t get them started…)
Some days, I wake up and I can’t face them. Not a single one. I turn off my phone. I don’t check my e-mail. I stay clear of facebook. I just don’t want to hear what they think is wrong with me.
I don’t know how to reach these people, they’re the type that you can’t shake, no matter how hard you try – destiny has put them in your life and she refuses to take them back out. Perhaps by looking in their carnival mirror image of myself I am supposed to find clarity. Instead, I just find headaches and nausea.
So today I decided that I am done. I would like to kindly tell anyone who thinks I am still 21 or younger to please fuck off. To anyone who doesn’t think I have the right job, husband, past-times, or parenting style, please stop calling.
I know you mean well, and you only want the best for me. But the me that you want the best for, doesn’t exist anymore. She’s long gone and I am what is left. Feel free to get to know me, or not. I really don’t care. Just stop holding me to your idea of who I was supposed to be.
I’m not her, I’m just me.