My Big Fat Date with Christopher Moore!

I’m just going to start this post with – I’m a fucktard.

Yup. That’s me.

See, as many of you know, I’ve had a big fat date with Christopher Moore (and his gazillion other Colorado based fans) planned for a couple of months now. In fact, as soon as I found out he was not only releasing his newest novel Sacre Bleu, but also coming here, to Tattered Cover Lodo, I wrote him a quick email, begged for an interview, scored it and collapsed in sheer bliss.

(As my friend Rocky says, Christopher Moore IS literary crack.)

Christopher Moore Library

My Moore Library - Complete again and ready for lending.

The good news about Saturday night’s date with Moore – I saw at least 20 people who had gotten the Christopher Moore memo and had taken my advice and shown up early to get their place in line and their precious, precious numbered ticket to the event and to their place in the signing line.

The bad news is – I didn’t.

Take my own advice that is.

I mean, I thought I did. I showed up a full hour and a half before the big event. Surely, even for someone so awesome as Christopher Moore that was early enough. I mean, literary crack though he may sell, we’re not talking camp out all night for a chance to glimpse his greatness. Are we? He does not write for teen girls, we’re not talking Pottermania, or Twilight… whatever twilight maniacs are called. We’re talking fucktards and fuck-bubbles. Not exactly an elite sub-set of humanity, but certainly not a mob either.

Alas, I was wrong.

As I stood at the top of the stairs and eyed the crowd winding its collective way through the stacks and racks of Tattered Cover Lodo a kind woman approached and let us know how it was all going to go down.

“In a couple of minutes we’re going to start handing out numbered tickets. These are for your place in the signing line only. Seating will happen as people file in. We have 240 seats available, so if your number is larger than 240, which yours all will be, then there won’t be a seat for you, so don’t even try to get into the room. We’ll be blasting the event on the loud speakers at the back of the store so you can all hear it. After the event we’ll line everyone up to get their books signed.” She said some other stuff about how Christopher would sign as many books as we wanted, but could only personalize two of them, and about how if we wanted pictures we better make it snappy, and… I stopped listening.

All my planning, all my promoting, and I wasn’t even going to get to meet The Man.

Then, my husband nudged me. There he was, walking the line, signing books for the people at the front of the mob, chit-chatting and making nice.

Christopher Moore

Moore Makes Nice

Maybe those people would just swoon and have to be carried away, maybe we’d get a seat after all.

My ticket was number 248.

It was close, oh, so close.

I prayed for some sort of heinous fuckery to strike down the lucky bastards at the front of the line who’d already had their chance with Moore.

Then I felt bad and decided to accept my fate regardless. After all there was a very nice looking corner on the stairs near the room. I could just sit there until numbers 225-250 were called to stand and be signed.

As people filed into the room we were told that we could squeeze along the back wall if we wanted to see The Man in action.

I did. My husband said he loved me, and he’d be outside. You know, where there was air. And it wasn’t 449 degrees Fahrenheit.

I watched him go and consoled myself that in just a few short hours I’d have signed books by Christopher Moore and I’d be able to resume my actual date, with my husband.

Then, I looked at my watch. It was only 7pm. Moore wasn’t scheduled to come on until 7:30. My number wouldn’t be called until, well, until I’d completely dehydrated and passed out from heat exhaustion.

Christopher Moore's Fans

The view from the back of the room right before the temperature reached 451 F and the room spontaneously combusted, defenestrating all of us minions standing against the back windows.

So, I did the only thing I could think of. I grabbed my new friend Brandon who I had met at the signing and who had ticket number 247 and said, “I’m going to go finish my date with my husband. Want to join us for drinks? We can come back at 9 and see what the line looks like.”

And we left, just like that.

On the way out I ran into a friend who had gotten the Moore Memo, but not the “Get there early” part and I swapped tickets with her, taking her 289th place in exchange for my 248th. I knew I wasn’t coming back. As much as I want to meet Christopher Moore, I’m really, really not good with crowds. Especially 449 degree crowds packed in like sardines in preparation for a good smoking.

And… I’m also super selfish. I know this about myself. I wanted 60 seconds with Moore, not “Yes, ma’am, move along, there are people waiting.” from the TC handlers. I actually wanted to be at the back of the line, to have the last books signed, to be unpressured by the masses behind me. And so… And so… I gave up my Big Fat Date with Christopher Moore (and 500 of his most rabid Colorado fans).

sacre bleu

Sacre Bleu! At least it has the color illustrations.

I traded in my unsigned copy of Sacre Bleu for a generically autographed copy and went to dinner with my husband and Brandon to talk books, writing, and of course, fracking. The new “F-bomb”.

Next time Christopher Moore comes to town, I will know to get there at least 3 hours in advance. Or… maybe I’ll just camp out the night before with 500 of my closest pals like a good little Moore-Minion.



Filed under Books

8 responses to “My Big Fat Date with Christopher Moore!

  1. So sad. I came out and talked to people in line 2 hours before I was supposed to go on and I still missed you. Are you sure you’re not a ninja? Oh well, next time.

    • thinkbannedthoughts

      Christopher – Definitely not a ninja. And I totally thought about mobbing you when you came out, but I wanted to be polite to the people who took my good advice and showed up early! Next time for sure!!
      Oh – and by the way – the fact that you came out early was totally awesome. All of us back of the line, should have gotten here sooners thought it was an epically cool thing for an author to do. Thanks for not hiding away like so many others. At least I got my glimpse 😉

  2. Rogue428

    So yeah, if a C.Moore virgin was looking to get in, what’s the first book I should read? I’m ashamed to say, I haven’t read him yet.

    • thinkbannedthoughts

      I ALWAYS start people off with LAMB. I seriously peed myself laughing the first time I read it. I still quote it obsessively.
      If you’re not in the mood for epic blasphemy of the best kind… Dirty Jobs is great, Coyote Blue is a favorite, Practical Demon Keeping… Oh hell, you just better come up Saturday and paw through the library until you find one that jumps out at you!

  3. Bree, I feel for you. I tried the last time he was here, and I couldn’t even get close to the building, the line was so f-ing long. What I love the most though, is he will answer your email. He’s one of the best authors that way. He once settled a bet between a friend and I over the book Dirty Job, proving me right, which made my year! I’m excited to hear what you think of the new book.

    • thinkbannedthoughts

      He is definitely the most real, down to earth, personable best-selling author I’ve ever met. And yes, much to my continued shock and delight, he does answer my emails.
      I guess no one has warned him about that yet. 😉

  4. I pine for you. And my brother told me I had to read LAMB. So, here you have it. If you believed in God, you would have had no trouble. Kidding, kidding, kidding.

    • thinkbannedthoughts

      Your brother – your brother? I’ve been telling you that for years. Well, a year anyway. I think that was the second thing out of my mouth when we met, right after “Hey, someone said I had to meet you and that we’d be best friends.”

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